I’m laying in bed trying to sleep as I have an early shift and I can tell it’s no use. Thoughts keep running through my head. So here I am again, I may be addicted but it helps. Between images of the Geico googly money and wondering what was wrong with Preparations A-G, I’m struck with thoughts of a recent call.
To be fair, I usually think about bad calls the way most of us probably do. A sound, a smell or a phrase that calls to mind a memory that never seems to fade away completely. My good friend Coma Toast probably shares a few of them with me, we were partners for a while and saw some stuff man and wouldn’t recommend it, as the saying goes. Sometimes though, it’s the calls you can’t do anything about, the ones that you never open a IV roll or never open your med bag that bother you the most. This call started like any other. A 50 something year old who was throwing up, a lot. When we arrived I found a very, very sick man. Sick as in multiple brain tumors, esophageal cancer, hospice, DNR sick. If there is a normal for a gentleman like this, this wasn’t his. He was barely able to sit up and on the bathroom floor, worn out from fighting the vomiting all night. The wife, the health care proxy, called because hospice wasn’t very helpful and she didn’t know what to do. (We always teach people from childhood, call 911 right). She didn’t want him to go to the hospital, neither did he apparently, when he was lucid he often stated no matter how bad it got, DO NOT take him. So here I am, Thanksgiving night, teenage daughter cooking dinner in the kitchen. Did I mention it was also the teenage son’s birthday. As we helped him to the bed he started getting weaker, doing the only thing I felt I could, I called Medical Control. The doctors in our area are VERY supportive in my opinion. Dr. Anonymous spoke with the wife and told her it was ok to keep him home. She was set, he was to stay here. We did everything we could to support him, we weren’t there for more then 15 minutes while I tried to reach hospice and the wife tried to keep herself together.
Then my partner leaned over to me and quietly whispered, “he’s stopped breathing.” We informed the wife and she sat by his side while he passed away. I felt like a fish out of water, like I was obligated to do something, but there was nothing to be done. Afterward she hugged me and cried on my shoulder, thanking me for everything I had done. Problem is I didn’t feel as if I had done anything, my hands were tied, no ventilations, no CPR, no drugs. Not that it would have been the right thing anyway. She was convinced that we had done more than anyone could have asked for. I still don’t fully understand it, but I’m learning. So here I am, thinking about what I should or for that matter, shouldn’t say. The only thing that came to mind and ever comes to mind, was I’m very sorry. This isn’t a part of the training, I was taught how to try and save someone, not how to comfort. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just don’t know how. I’m not equipped for it, maybe the 2.1 version will have an upgrade. The advice I’ve always been given is to just be supportive but how? Different people have different needs and there is never a right answer. I usually try to keep it simple and to the point. Let them vent, even if its at me for not doing enough. It’s worked, kinda, for now. I am working on having the local social worker come in and talk to our company. He told me of a local ambulance that as he said “played therapist” and made things much worse.
There is also a whole other side to this topic. After the family is dealt with, what about your partner, the other crew members that had to stand with square shoulders while the world is falling apart. Have you thought about them, do things like “they have been doing it awhile” or “gotta learn sometime, it’s a part of the job” come to mind? After the who child was shot, or the baby we treated who was burned, debriefings were offered, but too often they only open a can of worms and studies show they don’t always help as much as they were once thought too. The thing I’ve found helps the most for me, is just talking, over a beer or at a table even, with another provider who has been through similar things. We don’t try to console the other person, just share experiences…like a blog (part of why I started this). With time, the wounds are never healed, we just learn to manage them better. We learn to keep calm when a similar call comes in. Goosefraba as the movie says, be and just be, don’t judge.
I encourage you to seek out your mental health counselors at the hospital, not only can they be a great resource during an event, they can help train you and your coworkers to better deal with the calls you will eventually get. Also do not dismiss your partners or new to the field providers, you both may need each other more than you’ll let on. Finally, if you feel overwhelmed seek help, talk to your employer and see what they can do often there are programs in place for counseling. It is usually free of charge. I have posted some links below. There is a good article about “Borrowed Trauma,” it concerns how one person can take on the trauma of an experience without ever being there (even your family).
Borrowed Trauma
Kind words and what to avoid
Mental health help
